When I Need You Most
by Kae A
Summary: When everything seems to be against you, you need someone to turn.Complete
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

I said my goodbyes and left the dimly lit bar, the cold night air smacking the second I step outside. I am almost winded with the harsh contrast it creates with inside. I don't feel like going home yet, Audrey is probably in practising all the sexual positions under the sun with Pacey and as much as I'm ok with the relationship, that is not something I wish to witness of hear.

Soon the night forces me home, the cold is becoming unbearable. As are the painful and happy memories running through my mind. It is becoming too much to take. I double back on my previous back and find myself at the college campus in no time all. Slowly I climb the two flights of old wooden stairs and meander down the corridor to the dorm room to give the happy couple as much quality time together as possible. I even press my ear against the door before entering to check if it is safe to enter.

I slip in to my room, actually embarrassed to be there. I have no reason to be it is not that I've ever caught them in the act before. But the thought still sends me crimson. I know Pacey would feel the same. Audrey would probably laugh it off. There is silence in my room, not a sound in the surrounding darkness. With a deep breathe I close my eyes tight shut and reach for the light switch, preparing for the worst case scenario. No screams so I open my eyes. No one. With a sigh of relief I wriggle out of my coat, throwing it on the bed and kicking off my shoes, I head towards the shower.

I let the hot warm sting my goose bumped skin and the glide gently down my arms and torso. My soaking hair and the water flow as one. In this tiny shower cubicle I can pretend I am a million miles away. Away from the heartache and back in happier times when nothing was wrong. Nothing jaded. When I could run around bare foot in the yard with the sun on my back, joyfully playing with my closest friends. As I think of these moments of the past my tears join the shower's constant flow.

I draw a shaky breath and straighten up. The cause of my tears has taught me to examine myself monthly. And it is that time of month again. I fear this moment but I know it is for the best. My hand glides of the glistening skin, once, twice, always in circular motions. My hand moves slowly and gently over my second breast and that's when I think my world has come to an end. I check again. This time I'm shaking. Tears form again as I feel the lump for the second time.

I slide down the wall of the shower, unable to control my sobbing. I always hoped this day would not come. But it has, oh it has. The water swirls around me before slipping down the plug whole, I feel as though it is my life slipping down there.

I don't know how long I have been sitting here but the water is gradually turned cold and oddly all I can think is how pissed Audrey will be when she founds out I've used all the hot water. Other than that thought, I am numb. I can not move. I don't know if it is because I literally can not move from shock or just don't want to because if I do I'll have to deal with this.

I could have been sat here for hours. I have no idea. I stare at the blurred shower wall. No thoughts run through my mind. The water is now freezing and I am shivering uncontrollably. I do not move until


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

I climbed up the stairs, cursing why there had to be so many. I would usually bound two at a time up these wooden stairs at the thought of a night with my girlfriend. But tonight something was slowing me down. Like a constant weigh pressing down on me, not allowing me to move any faster than a step at a time. As far as I remember Audrey was fine, she hadn't said nor done nothing to worry me. In fact she had done the opposite. Especially that little thing she does when... Maybe it's best not to think of that.

As I turned the corner to the second flight of stairs Joey started to creep slowly into my thought, gently pushing Audrey in the background. She'd left the bar earlier than the rest of us; she had wanted to go for a walk alone for a while. No one argued with her, it was something she did now and again, Usually around the times when Dawson had called. To my knowledge though he hadn't rang for about two weeks. Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. Its an anniversary of a her mother's death. How could I be so forgetful? I vow to make it up to her tomorrow when I see her.

The corridor along to the girl's dorm room is dimly lit and I try so carefully to be quiet, it's getting late and despite the reputation students have, this lot are silent. The door is unlocked as usual, ready for my regular late night visits. I sneak quietly in and tip toe to Audrey's bed as to not wake Joey. Audrey and me together is probably the last thing she'd ever want to find. My hands glide along the bed in the darkness, trying to find the curves of my girlfriend's body. But the bed is strangely made and no one lies. It is then that I hear the sound of running water. Oddly we had never done it in the shower before. I don't even check with the sleeping Joey where Audrey is and assume it is her who is showering.

When I opened the door I expected to see Audrey, with the curtain pulled back, grinning seductively at me, a cheeky glint in her eye but instead I find a lone figure slumped on the floor behind the curtain. I call out Audrey's name but my only reply is sobs. Pulling back the curtain, it is not Audrey I find, but Joey.

Crying, naked and freezing. My first reaction is to reach out and hug her. "Jo, what's wrong?" But I get no reply. I notice a bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. I switch off the shower and make a grab for it. Gently raising Joey to her feet I wrap her in the pale blue fabric, covering her naked body. She still shakes uncontrollably as I guide her to her empty bed. Audrey has left my mind.

As she sits and cries in my arms my mind is a jumble with all the things that could have caused this level of upset. Bad news from Bessie or from Dawson. Bad grades in a test. The tragic meaning today holds for her. Maybe she does this every year, behind closed doors where no one can see Josephine Potter, the independent, sarcastic, strong person we know, break down.

The sobs begin to die down, and her erratic breathing starts to return to normal I pluck up the courage to ask her what has caused this, at the same time mentally vowing to kick the shit out of them if any guy has hurt her. When she uttered the whisper, "Pacey I found a lump", my world, just like her must of when she stood in that shower, came crashing down around me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

I wish my ceiling had tiles because then I could count them as I stare blankly at it, trying desperately not to think of the other night's event. It always manages to sneak back into the foreground of my mind. Sometimes I actually think I dreamt the whole episode but then I check, just to make sure, and my worst nightmare is confirmed all over again. The silence and stillness of my dorm is abruptly interrupted by a knock.

I shyly open the door, I don't want visitors but even still I go to the door and he is standing there. Looking at me with those big blue eyes, begging me to let me in. when I force the door closed in his face, his quick reaction forces himself in. And there we stand in an awkward silence.

He sits and stares from cross the bed towards where I am sat crossed legged on the end of it. His eyes burn into me, as if he is trying to answer questions he needs answering. Like why I haven't returned his calls or why I didn't want to let him in. I don't know why. I haven't felt like seeing anyone or talking to anyone.

I can't even focus on what he's asking me, I can only assume he is asking me what I'm going to do. Or trying to convince me to see a doctor. Telling me everything will be ok. My mind alternates between running wild with thoughts of cancer, death and my mom then in a flash it will be blank and all I can do is stare. It makes it increasingly difficult to hear Pacey's caring words.

He keeps sighing and resting his head in his hands, he looks so hurt. I don't know what to do to stop the pain. All I can do is think of how I haven't seen Audrey for a couple of days and hoping she is ok, or about remembering to listen to Jen's show, or for calling Bessie and Dawson and then of the English essay I think I have due in tomorrow.

As my mind continues to dance from thought to thought I glance up at for one last time. He paces around my room for a minute. He drops a pile of paper on my bed and tells me he's going to come back later. As he walks out of the down, I call to him, begging him to keep this to himself. I'm not ready to share this yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

I swear there is some sort of force field surrounding her dorm room. I stand there for at the very least five minutes just staring at it unable to knock. I don't know what to say when she answers. Do I act as normal as though everything is ok? Or do I force the subject of a doctor's appointment? Then for some reason, unbeknown to myself, my fist clenches and knocks on the door, breaking the force field around.

She opens the door a little and peers shyly out but as soon as she sees me she goes to shut it again. The look in her eyes when she saw me cut through me. Almost killing me. There was too much pain and panic for me to describe. I force my way into the shared dorm, not giving her a chance to protest. Once in silence washes over us completely and everything is still.

She squirms on the end of the bed and I try so hard not to look at her, a task that has always been very difficult with Josephine Potter. Only this time I am trying to answer the questions in my head, like why she hasn't returned my calls or if it's only my calls she is not returning.

This is much harder than I anticipated it would be. Joey has always been the sensible one. I would have thought the first thing she would have done was booked a doctors appointment. But all she is done is shut herself away from the world, refusing to see anyone. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall or asking Doug for relationship advice. I don't want to force her into doing anything she doesn't want to do, like going to see a doctor or at least talk to our friends, but I only have her best interests at heart.

With my head buried in my hands I try to fight back the tears. I don't feel comfortable crying about this in front of her especially when she clearly is not thinking about or coming to terms with the issue. As I look up all I see is blank staring eyes. I only wish I knew what she was thinking, there is no guessing where her eyes or body language is concerned. She is completely shut off.

I rise and pace around the room for a moment. From my pocket I pull and unfold a pile of paper, Internet printed information on breast cancer. I thought it might encourage her seek medical attention. It is only when I reach the door to leave that she speaks, begging me to not tell anyone yet. I promise how can I not?

The resident hall corridors are silent like her room, but the tension has lifted and I feel slightly freed. It is not until I reach the last step of the two flights that I realise Audrey wasn't in the dorm room and that I have no seen or heard from her in three days.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I shyly twist a lock of hair around my finger while consciously remembering to breathe. I am so scared I actually think I might forget to do so. My right hand is gripping the armrest so tightly my knuckles have actually turned white, I always thought that was some fictional reaction.

Although I am trying desperately to concentrate what I am being told, inside I am mentally thanking Pacey for the Internet printouts. The detail of procedures and survival rate depending on when caught, all things I should have remembered spurred me into making a doctor's appointment not long after he had left my place. I'm still very dazed by it all, it is still so surreal. Like I'm watching from above and it is not me who this is happening to. If it hadn't been for Pacey, I would still be lying staring at my ceiling.

The doctor starts asking me questions, when did I find the lump and have I had any other symptoms. I don't know whether having no other symptoms is a bad thing or a good thing. "Does the lump change with my menstrual cycle", "Have I had any previous breast problems" and to "Do I have any children". The question that finally made me realise this is real is "Is there any history of breast cancer in your family?" I couldn't help but cry. My tears spoke volumes.

"It's ok Miss Potter." And I saw the doctor scribble something down. She gave me a moment to collect myself before instructing to take a seat on the bed for a physical examination. With my arm above my head, I closed my eyes and tried to block out what was happening and try to stop the threatening tears. I wished Pacey were here at my side, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that everything will be fine.

The doctor's cold hands left my body and I knew then that I had not imagined the lump. I exhaled very slowly as she told me she'd located the lump and was going to perform a needle test on me. It would remove a sample of cells, which could then be analysed to see if the lump was benign or malignant. I wince I the thought of the needle being the skittish kitten (or so Pacey tells me) but she reassures me it won't hurt.

Ten minutes later I step out of the office, in desperate need of a hug. I wander down the corridor, passing ward after ward, my mind is spinning with thoughts of how I'll get through the next day while I wait for my results. I push open the door to waiting room and glance around. Pacey had driven me all the way to the hospital and even insisted on waiting around for me no matter how long my appointment took. Half an hour later I step back into the room where I left him sat and he is not there.


	6. Chapter 6

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 6/b/center

I can not decide if the walls are grey or blue. They're either a dull blue or an off shade of grey. If such a color exists of course. I have been sat in this undecided waiting room for near enough five minutes now. But it feels like five hours. Time is passing slowly and I don't know if that a bad thing or a good thing. I only hope time isn't dragging for Joey. As I glance at my watch I realise that it has still only been four minutes. I am beginning to think my watch it actually starting to go backwards.

Every thirty seconds I check my cell phone, thinking I have heard it ring. Which is complete madness given I am not allowed to have the damn thing switched on while I am in the hospital

I pace back and forth across the waiting room, driving the other patient's relatives crazy. I start to think how ironic it is that I am pacing back and forth given my name. I chuckle to myself. A small nervous chuckle. One that makes it obvious I'm nervous. No make that frightened. I am so damn scared right now of Joey coming back through the door. Part of me wants her not to come out so I don't have to hear the bad news, if there is any.

Is it selfish of me to think that way? I am after all meant to be here for her. To act as her rock and support her through this time whether the turn out is good or bad. But as terrible as it is to think that way, I can't help it. And it just boils down to the simple fact that I can not imagine my life without her in it in some capacity.

For the five hundredth time I look at the cell. It is still switched off and my watch still only says I've been here in six minutes. Jo shouldn't be too much longer but I think I have time to nip outside to check for any message.

My cell turns on and the friendly Nokia theme plays and then silence. No sms tones. I check my voice mail and nothing. I am starting to get really pissed off with my girlfriend now, and I am using that phrase in the loosest possible terms. I haven't heard from Audrey for days and I starting to think that there is no relationship to salvage from this hiatus.

I wander back in to the hospital, stopping to pick up a couple of dire vending machine coffees for us both. When I reach the waiting room I find a panicked Joey standing by the door looking like the skittish kitten she is. I rush over, placing the coffees on a near by table, and hug her. I can not apologise enough for not being there when she came out and for breaking that promise.

As she sobs gently into the brown cord of my coat, telling me about the needle test, I glance at my watch. I was gone eight minutes. How is that possible! 


	7. Chapter 7

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 7/b/center

I went to the hospital alone to collect me results. I could not expect Pacey to take another day off work for me. The journey there seemed to take forever, and it felt like I was sat in the waiting room for an age. But once in the doctor's office time flew by. Everything sped past me and I could hardly make sense of it all.

I walk in to my dorm, still a little dazed by the morning's revelations. I expect Audrey will have finally found her way back to our dorm and I prepare to tell her the past week's events. But when I walk in the door she is not there. But there is a note this time.

i"Hey Bunny.  
Sorry I haven't been around.  
Missing you. Be home soon.  
Aud xxx"/i

Well at least I know she is safe. She is probably making it up to Pacey right now. Which crosses two people off my hit list of people to tell, for now at least. Strangely I want to tell Pacey last. I feel I wouldn't have to explain why to him but I would have to explain my odd behaviour to our friends. So it makes sense to tell them first.

Bessie is the first person I have to tell. It seems only right. I call and hang up a number of times before I get the guts to talk to her over the phone. Something I don't think is right but jumping a train home doesn't seem sensible right now. Her reaction is of disbelief, pain and of guilt. She says it should be her in this position. That this disease should not have skipped a generation. I had to get off the phone to her quickly, promising to call again later. If I stayed on the phone I would have cried and wouldn't have managed to tell the others.

Dawson could not believe it. It took him a while to accept it. But he remained the optimist, saying everything will be ok, I'll be fine. Jack of course was supporting, even having to comfort Jen as I told them both. After Bessie, Jen was the one I dreaded telling. She had after all had had to deal with this once before.

I get a taxi back home and as soon as I'm in with my shoes kicked off I fall back on to my bed. I am too exhausted to do anything. But oddly I feel happier than I did this morning. Telling all of my friends is like a weight has been lifted off me. And it is like there not just two of us in this situation now. There is all of us, helping each other in so many ways.

Just as feel like I'm dropping off to sleep there is a knock at my door. I wasn't expecting anyone, although Dawson is the type to jump on the next plane, I open the door and see a weary looking Pacey before me. I let him in and we both drop down on to my bed where we curl. I don't even need to give him the bad news, I think he's already guessed by looking at me. And for the first time today I cry. Curled up safely in his arms I release the tears that should have fallen hours ago.

"Thank you Pacey. For being here for me." My eyesight is blurred through the tears and an overwhelming desire to kiss him takes over me. 


	8. Chapter 8

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 8/b/center

I lie on my bed staring at the ceiling. I can not help but think of the day's events. They all come crashing into my head repeatedly, forcing me to stay awake. Where did the day start going wrong?

The day started off with me wandering down the corridor to my girl's dorm room. Today was going to be the day I sorted out this mess of a relationship once and or all. Well that was the theory. Truth be told, I was just hoping she wouldn't be home, I hadn't planned what to do after that. I had got so used to her not being there, I wasn't sure what I would say to her if she was. I got to the front door and knocked on it a couple of times and glanced around, No answer. Knocked a bit more and checked no one was watching me looking like a fool. I checked my watch, a little past 10am. Thinking that either Joey or Audrey would be home soon, I sat down with my back against the door. I don't think I have ever played so much Snake on my cell phone before. I had started to get strange looks from passing students and it wasn't long before I was getting impatient. I had after all been sat there half an hour. Pretty soon the guy in the next dorm stuck his head out the door asking if I was Audrey's boyfriend and then telling me she'd headed out early this morning mentioning something about going to the library.

As odd as that seemed I took the guy's comment and headed off down there. Couldn't help but think I was going to be going on a wild goose chase.

I recognised some of Audrey's friends in the library from when we'd gone out a couple of times with them. Surprisingly Audrey had been here but had just left. They said she was heading home but looked worried when saying. Thanking them I left and drove home for a bit. Just in case she showed up there. After waiting a couple of hours at home I left Jack with a order of to calling me if he hears anything or if she comes around and headed back to the girl's dorm.

It was on the drive back to the college campus when I saw her. I was just driving past a cinema that isn't too far away from Worthington when I saw her in the arms of another guy. A guy who I had never seen before. Unable to think I just carried on driving to the campus. She would have to turn up there eventually surely.

I pressed my head against the door in a lame attempt of knocking. I picked my tired head up just in time of Joey opening the door. Her eyes tell me everything and I instantly forget my worries. She closes the door behind me and then came to sit on her bed with me, curling up in my arms. She started shaking and I knew she was crying. I stroked her head comfortingly; there were no words.

Everything with Joey always feels right. It's like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that fit together perfectly. But when she lent up and kissed me and for that moment when I kissed her back, something didn't feel right. Like we weren't meant to be doing this now.

As bad as it seemed I pushed away from her, apologising as much as I could and rushed home. And here I lie on my bed wondering about the day's events. 


	9. Chapter 9

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 9/b/center

I can not for the life of me keep my mind on the task at hand. Jen's voice floats in and out of my mind as if she is some dream like vision and I am about to wake up at any moment.

I am of course thinking of him and him alone. It's unexplainable. I should be thinking of what lies ahead of me tomorrow. Or maybe this is just my head's way of coping with the pending events. Even so I still want him here at my side, holding my hand, telling me that everything will be ok and that he is here for me.

I haven't spoken to him since I kissed him. Which right now I think was a major mistake. As it always has been when either Pacey or myself have kissed in a spur of the moment type way. Times in the past have caused our friendship to falter. And this mistake could only harm our newly restored friendship. After everything that has happened between us, I am so grateful for his friendship. I don't want to jeopardise it in anyway. Maybe I don't really want a relationship with anyone, not even Pacey. With everything that is going on maybe it is the last thing I need.

Slowly Jen's voice drifts back into the forefront of my thoughts and I realise we have in fact finished packing and she is saying her good byes. She promises to pick me up no later than nine thirty and tells me to stay brave. She gives me a final kiss on the cheek and hug before disappearing.

Although she spent hours here with me, helping me pack a bag for the next few days, I have been nothing but alone in my thoughts of him. Most of them regretting the last time I saw him. I wish we hadn't left things between us so

unfinished. We should have talked about what happened. What it meant. Where we want things to go from there. Or should have just laughed it off and put it down to a caught in the moment type thing.

It just wasn't right. 


	10. Chapter 10

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 10/b/center

She goes into hospital today. Yet all I can do is stand here staring silently and vacantly, dicing up the vegetable in front of me. I know in my heart I should not be here. Hell even my head is telling me that I should be by her side, holding her hand and telling her she'll be fine.

But the thought, no make that fear, of rejection terrifies me to my very core. Odd though, because it wouldn't be the first time Miss Potter has rejected the advances of Pacey J Witter. We've been in the position so many times before. Caught in a vicious cycle of having feelings for each other while being in relationships. And all this is in spite of knowing that our own relationship, just like in the Jeff Buckley song, is never over. I think we both realise that, that there will always be a spark. At least I do. It is destined to confuse and torment us for years to come.

But right now, given the situations we are in, it is more confusing than ever before and has the possibility it cause more hurt to us before than we're caused to each other in the past.

Although every part of my being is telling me to drop this knife and rush out of work, I can not help but feel my presence at the hospital will do more harm than good. We haven't spoken since the kiss. I haven't stopped thinking about her since then. And despite how wrong it felt at that moment in time, it is what I want to do every time I see her. And although it should have happened then, I regret pulling away. Would it have been three days since we last spoke if I hadn't? Would we still be friends? Would we be more? Who knows, but we would have figured it out. Yet instead we do the usual and run away.

I have to sort things out with Audrey. I'm going over tomorrow, on my day off. And I will sit outside that dorm until I see her. Even it's just to end things or to work through them, I will talk to her. Then I can focus on being there for Jo. 


	11. Chapter 11

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 11/b/center

The bright, cold strip lighting glares down on everything making everything glow with a blinding white. The sunlight beaming in only adds to this cold light. The sheets surrounding me itch. My chest is tight with pain. No, it is more of an ache, from both the operation and the feeling of loneliness.

I fall in and out of consciousness. The painkillers are most definitely not non-drowsy.

Family and friends have been visiting all day. One minute they're here then the next minute they're not. I can not be the best company at this time. The amount of flowers around my bedside is growing. I could open a florist. Each time I wake I find a note next to me, telling me that one of my friends will nip back in an hour or two when I'm less sleepy.

About an hour ago now, I had a call from Dawson. He'd spoken to Bessie and wanted to wish me well and to tell me he'd be in Boston soon to see me. A few months ago I would have been ecstatic at the thought of him coming home for me. But now, I, rather ungratefully, only want one person by my side.

I thought that after this operation a weight would be lifted from off of me. But I am more scared now than I was before the operation. Because of my drowsiness and inability to stay awake, I personally haven't spoken to the doctor so I don't know the outcome of the surgery. This only causes me to feel more alone, because relatives and friends may know but I don't. And it makes me feel empty, like it is something I should know to make me feel complete.

Despite my emptiness and loneliness, I am happy. The floral and card display around me brightens up the otherwise bare hospital room. Each bouquet was picked especially for me and it makes me feel loved. And this feeling will stay with me, even throughout my sleep and until I wake next.

Outside the cold moon stares back at me as my eyes flutter open from their latest rest. The hospital feels still. My room glows with a dim light and as I adjust to my altered location a voice floats into my conscious. 


	12. Chapter 12

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 12/b/center

She runs down the corridor, huge smile on her face. She's happy to see me. And for a split second I forget everything and remember how beautiful she can sometimes appear. But as soon as she screams my name I remember why I am here.

I have spent twenty minutes sat on the floor by her dorm. I have spent one too many times sat here waiting for her to come home. This is the last time.

She bounds towards me, kissing my cheek before opening the door in a typical dramatic way. I close it quietly behind me, for me the drama comes once the door has closed.

I sit on the end of Joey's bed. She dances around the dorm, acting normal. I call her name over the music blaring.

She faces me, all smiles. I lay it bear. I know. I know about the other guy. It's all rehearsed in my head. I've had enough of being fucked about. Being sent on while goose chase trying to find her around town. I have more important things on my mind. I don't think this is working.

I shout and yell. I'm pretty sure I call her some names that I know I'll live to regret in the end but seem fitting in the heat of the moment. I don't even recall what they are seconds after saying them. They just roll off my tongue like they've been sat there, just waiting to be heard.

In return a barrage of equally insulting names flies back at me. I am accused of ignoring her. Of taking her for granted. Of never being there for her when she needs me. She screams she decided to seek affection elsewhere, in the arms of the guy she called Marcus.

I think it was at that point that we both mutually decided it was never going to work. I turned to leave, having already risen to my feet in anger. Before I finally leave I turn and coolly tell her, "you never asked how she's doing". I leave the statement hanging in the air for a second. I see her face drop with realisation before dropping to her bed. I can leave now. I have said what I needed to say. It's over.

I run my hands through my hair. The radio plays quietly. I run my hands over my face, wiping the way the tears. The engine purrs, waiting to move. Here in my car I cry. The tears are not of sadness because of the end of my ill-fated relationship with Audrey but of relief. The frustration inside of me is gone. I know we are both going to hurt for a while, maybe even regret how things have ended, maybe even think of trying to work things out. But for now I can focus on Joey, making sure she is well. My tear blurred vision clears and I pull out of Worthington Campus.

Once at home I only want to leave again. Jack isn't in, I imagine he's at the hospital with Jen. In my closest, on the top shelf and right at the back is an old shoebox. A girly thing to do I know, but in it is every little present or note Joey ever gave me. A memories box if you will. In here is something I need. Something that will cheer her up.

I had to use all of my Witter charms on the night nurse to see her. Apparently 11pm is outside of visiting hours. But lucky for me no woman can resist my charms so I sneak into her dark hospital ward. It's the only place that doesn't smell of disinfectant, probably because of the overwhelming amount of flowers the room is holding.

I pull up a chair and sit next to her bed. I've been here before. Ok so not exactly like this, not in this location before but in a similar situation. Sitting in a dimly lit room late at night watching her sleep. Back in the days when things weren't as complicated between us. And I miss those days but I don't regret our relationship. I watch her for a moment before pulling out the book and starting to read.

"The little mermaid could not take her eyes from the ship or from the beautiful prince. The colored lanterns had been extinguished. No more rockets rose in the air and the cannon had ceased firing. But the sea became restless and a moaning, grumbling sound could be heard beneath the waves. After awhile, the sails were quickly unfurled, and the noble ship continued her passage…"

As I read she slowly stirs. I pause and wait for her to wake. She blinks a few times, adjusting to the dark, then rests her eyes on me and smiles. I smile back at her. A comfortable silence lingers between us for an extended moment. There's nothing either of us can say. I don't think even she knows how her surgery went just yet. Her hand reaches over to mine and gently prises the book from my fingers then takes over the read in a small tired whisper.

"But soon the waves rose higher. Heavy clouds darkened the sky and lightning appeared in the distance. A dreadful storm was approaching. Once more the sails were reefed and the great ship pursued her flying course over the raging sea. To the little mermaid, this appeared pleasant sport. Not so for the sailors." 


	13. Chapter 13

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 13/b/center

It's a little after 10.30am when I wake. I stretch and look around my room. It feels so good to be home, or as close to home as I can be living in Boston. I left the hospital two days ago. Two days after my operation. I couldn't lie in that room any longer. I practically begged the doctor to discharge me. There was no point in staying. I'd only be there waiting for results and I would rather have kept myself busy than thinking about what could be over and over.

I glance over at Audrey's bed. She's not there. She hasn't been for days. That's not to say she hasn't seen me. She's been here in the day, only during the day and usually during her lector times. At night she leaves. Probably because it is at night Pacey visits me and I know things aren't well between them at the moment.

He stays most nights now. Not on purpose. It kind of just happens. One minute we will be talking and then it is morning and I am waking to find him curled up in Audrey's bed. It must be weird for him to sleep there. It should be weird for me to have him stay given our history. But it's comforting. But as usually he has up and left before I awake.

I stretch and wrap my bathrobe around me, shutting out the cold morning air. Barely lifting my feet off the floor, I shuffle over to my desk and sit. The calendar pinned to the wall has today ringed in bright red marker. Like you see in TV shows. It's like a warning sign, potentially dangerous. In front of me is a hastily written note.

i"Jo,  
I've had to go into work for a few hours. I'll be back to pick you up around 4 o'clock though, don't worry.  
Pace"/i

I read it a couple of times. Not through lack of understanding but because of the overwhelming feeling of being cared for that washed over me. The outcome of today might not be what I want it to be but I know that whatever happens I have him. With a smile I take the small square of paper and go to my closet. It's so clique but at the back, tucked deeply behind some old clothes on a high shelf is an old shoebox. I promised myself I wouldn't be like one of the teenagers from TV but after Pacey and mine's break up I wanted somewhere to old the good from our time together.

I slide the note in amongst movie stubs, secretly passed notes and other memories we picked up over our one summer together. It is in that moment as I remember all our magical times, that I must go alone to the hospital. A part of me doesn't want him there if it is bad news. Like I'd be tainting our past with sadness if that were to be one of our final memories.

With the box hidden back in its place, I glance around my room. How do I kill the next few hours? Do I do something to take my mind off my impending appointment, running the risk of forgetting about and being late? Or do I worry about every little detail? I wondered what my mother would have done.

I glance at the clock, he'll be finishing work in a few hours. I quickly find myself an outfit for the day. Something not to depressing but something not too optimistic. Neutral. I opt for jeans and a dull red sweater. With a deep breath I dial his apartment number. I know he's at work but an answer machine can not argue with me and by the time he gets the message it will be too late to do anything. As I put the phone back on it's receiver I suddenly feel suffocated in my dorm room. I grab my coat and make a dash from the door.

Jealousy hits me as I walk around campus. Students everywhere without a care. The only worries they have regard midterms, finals and relationships. How I long for that. At this moment in time I don't know which path I am on. The one for a long and happy life might suddenly be closed to me.

Needing to escape I head out of campus and find myself a tiny, cosy coffee-house where nobody knows me. In there I hide from the world until I need to get the bus out to the hospital.

The bus ride is longer than a car ride. I now only hope I have left myself plenty of time to get there and find the right ward. What if I get there too late and say I can not have my results? How will I get through another day of not knowing? They wouldn't do that, they couldn't do that.

The building looms before me, casting a vast shadow over the parking lot. Panis runs wild through my vains. The automatic doors swallow me as I near. The over powering smell of disinfectant hits me. It makes me want to run back to fresh air and not face this. But I think of him, knowing he'll be worrying and continue for him.

Inside is just as cold as outside. The main reception is busy so I take a seat on a numbing plastic chair. Soon the person moves and I step forward. The unsmiling receptionist directs me to my ward. Second floor; take the elevator, turn left then straight down that corridor. Why must hospital reception staff be so military like? With a small smile of thanks I follow the coldly worded directions and before long find myself where I should be.

This ward is the polar opposite of the cold draughty reception. Worn yet inviting looking sofas litter the waiting area. The staff smile at you as they pass. The receptionist here tells me the doctor will see me in just a moment and point me in the direction of the sofas. I stare into the polystyrene cup that I hold and at the cooling coffee I can not bring myself to drink. Time passes slowly. Then suddenly my name is called.

I will be forever in debt to him for forcing me to do something about this, whatever the outcome. The doctor smiles at me while she holds open her office door. Is that a smile out of sorrow or happiness? I've been here before, in this office. Not long ago. Probably only about a week or two ago. It seems so very long ago. Which means it's only been two at the very most since I walked home that night only to be later found by Pacey curled up in the freezing shower. Who knows how long I would have been sat there if he'd never came along. Would I be sat in this doctor's office today? Would I have ignored the problem, hoping it would go away?

center/center

The bus journey home is quicker than going there. The day is drawing to an end; the sun casts a beautiful pink glow over the clouds as it sets behind the grey stone buildings. Yet I am numb.

I about going straight back to my dorm and sleeping. Then I think I should ring Bessie with the news. But I know she'll be in tears and I couldn't cope with that over the phone. So instead I head to his, I crave physical contact.

I step into their apartment; the door is left unlocked. My friends stare at me for a second before he 


	14. Chapter 14

centerbuWhen I Need You Most/u/b bChapter 14/b/center

I awake early or at least awake earlier than she does. It is a little past ten in the morning. I slide into my crumpled jeans and tug my T-shirt over my head. On her desk I find a pad of paper and a pen. I quickly scribble a note for her before grabbing my coat and leaving.

Over the past couple of nights I have stayed with her in her dorm. Ever since she stubbornly discharged herself from hospital. Every night I intended to leave once she had fallen asleep. But after I pulled the duvet up around her, I always ended up watching her sleep for a few hours before deciding just to climb into the bed of my ex-girlfriend.

"How odd?" you might all think. And it is. I am sleeping in my most recent ex-girlfriend's bed having just watched my other ex-girlfriend fall asleep. It's a mind fuck. If you didn't know the circumstances, you would think it odd. In fact the morning after the first night it happened, that very thought haunted me all day.

But it is the thought of Audrey walking in that scares me even more then that thought confused me. I haven't seen or spoke to her since our little showdown that ended our relationship. And in some weird, twisted way, I don't think I want her catching me here out of fear of hurting her. Just a little backwards even if I do say so myself. She is never home at night now. I know she must come back during the day as Joey as told me that she is now seeing another guy and crashes most nights at a off campus friend's. And I don't care that she has moved on so very quickly. My mind is a mass of confusing and contradicting thoughts.

I am so lost in my private chaos that it is a bit of a shock to literally run into Jen. She has been more than a friend to Joey lately, having lived through this before. She is the rock Joey needs when I am not there. Her eyes look up at me through the blonde waves with a mixture of happiness and sorrow. She knows that things between Joey and me are better than ever right now. She's always been the observant one. But while that brings her happiness, we both know that today is the day Joey receives her test results back, and we will all find out if there is more pain to come.

Jen places a quick comforting kiss on my cheek while telling me that she is late for pop culture then runs off. A mass of blonde waves following and as I watch her go I feel happy nothing ever happened between us. We are untainted.

Work is repetitive. Slice, dice, chop. I'm going through the motions as I count down the hour until I can finally leave. I've been here ten minutes so far. I only have a four hour shift today. Slice, dice, chop.

The closer leaving time gets, the happier I get. I work faster; hoping that anything will shave a few minutes off the length of my shift. It's the thought of her that motivates me. I'm optimistic that everything will be ok.

On my way home from work my mind continues to wander. Sometimes it thinks the worst case scenario, it not getting caught in time and death. Then it flips and continues thinking what I did when I was as work, it was caught in time and she'll be fine. Then it will think the near impossible, that Joey and me are finally back on the same path, and can be happy together at last. It's a dream, it won't happen now. We are at an odd point in our lives when things are unknown and doors are opening all around us. In the future maybe.

I am meant to pick her up in about an hour to take her to what will hopefully be her last hospital appointment. Of course she protested, but I want to be there.

I don't even think of checking my machine when I walk through the door, I'm in too much of a rush and assume that jack will have taken messages for me. Instead I head straight for the shower, wanting to wash away my worries. It occurs to while I am in there that Jack takes pop culture with Jen. I grab a pair of boxers and while rubbing my hair dry with a towel, I go check my messages. I only have half an hour.

i"Hey Pace, you're not home yet I know. Listen, I know you really wanted to drive me this afternoon and I really appreciate the thought but this is something I have to do alone. Don't ask me why. I'll call you this evening."/i

I flop on to my sofa, feeling defeated. This was a moment in her life that could change everything, a moment she'll remember forever. And I wanted to be there and support her so she'd always remember she wasn't alone. Instead I am left to sit here all evening, worrying. Or do I call her now? Convince her she needs me? Maybe she doesn't need me; maybe I just need her. I'm lost.

My afternoon is spent in a daze of worry. Jack can not part me from the couch or Bertha's remote. Tv only serves to distract me for moments at a time. Without such a form of distraction my afternoon would have been spent wandering around our apartment with worry, checking my cell and answer machine for messages.

How long do these kinds of appointments last? Logic suggests that the kind with good news would be over quickly whereas the kind no one wants to attend would be longer, full of explanation.

It is almost 6 o'clock and I have not heard anythig from her. I am starting to fear the worst. She's been readmitted I know, she hasn't had chance to call us yet. It's spread. We didn't catch it in time. If only I had forced her to the hospital the minute she told me.

I am so convinced this worst case scenario is real that I actually start to hunt for the number of the hospital. Just so I can call and check on her. Jack and Jen walk into the apartment as I am in the process of thumbing through the directory. Jen prises it from my fingers and orders me to put some pants on. I am still not dressed from my shower.

Having followed her order and pulled on a pair of clean camouflage pants, I walk back into the living room to rejoin my friends. She stands there, still and teary eyes. Without a thought I leap over whatever furniture obstructs my path to hug her. Jack and Jen are soon by our side.

"It's…" she starts to sob as she speaks and I want nothing more than to be in her shows. Anything to stop her feeling pain.

"Over" I take a step back and scan her face. "We caught it in time, I'm going to be ok." I grab her once more and fly her around the room.

center/center

She sleeps tucked up in my bed. She looks so peaceful, like the weight of the world has been lifted from her small frame. I don't know what happens with us now. I don't even know if there is an us here. I'm just thankful she is fine. 


End file.
